June 30, 2003
Skimmed
Too long between postings yet again here. I have been busy. That's the excuse. But the sad part is I don't have much to show for it yet... and I can't really talk about it either. Jesus, you might think I have the next Harry Potter series on my hard drive or something. If only...
June 19, 2003
Being Alive
Something was born today. Two friends started a business, and I am one of them. Until now I didn't think that was the best thing to do...but now I know it is the only thing that will work.
Move It Cupcake
It has been one week now since we lost the dog. Both of us are still pretty morose, either that or just stunned by the loss. For the first few days we didn't know what to do with ourselves, there was suddenly lots of time and little responsibilities.
On the weekend my borderline absurd food cravings compelled me to suggest we take a drive to find a fish and chips place I saw once coming home from a business meeting. I didn't recall exactly where it was, but it was a nice sunny day. Why not take a ride? We suddenly had nothing else to do.
Forty-five minutes later we ended up at the same place we would have normally gone—having driven aimlessly around unfamiliar neighborhoods, and not having found the fish and chips place. It didn't matter. We laughed at ourselves as we drove. And, after all... I really wanted Wida's crab cakes, but didn't feel like a ten hour drive to New Jersey.
This listlessness better lift soon. I am trying to start a company for chrissakes.
June 17, 2003
Citronella
Yes, the proverbial candle in the wind is our snapshot of the day. But the wind is just a warm late spring breeze… not the whistling howl that precedes the death of an iconic princess, thank you Elton John. I love the orange flames flickering... plus it might keep West Nile cooties from sticking around.
Our patio has become a bit of salvation lately. And I have taken a ridiculous number of picts of it… because of course my canine muse has left me behind here in a maple-leaf purgatory. It helps to have nice visitors.
June 16, 2003
Without Willi
This past Thursday was one of the saddest days of my life.
We awoke and had the conversation that was dreaded for months. It was the one where we decided when to call the vet to put him down.
The past four days had been spent keeping him hydrated, fed and comfortable. Mark kept a detailed journal of the feedings and medications that were administered. When I first saw the journal, I noticed it was titled "Saving Willi" and I contradictorally smiled and cried when reading.
When the phone rang late in the morning, it was as if the fate itself was returning the call. But beneficent and sanguine female voices confirmed they would be arriving at 3 pm. Then they called back for a valid credit card number.
I spent an hour with him on the sofa, holding him against me and repeating the gibberish songs that have been created over the past five years where I call him “Luigi”. One of my many annoying traits is to rename the people, places and things in my life.
Once I heard the neighbor’s kids answer a question that made me laugh.
“What’s his name?”, a new friend asked.
“It’s Luigi, that’s short for Willi.”
It began to rain around noon. The sky seemed to be hovering just feet above the roof of the house.
The vet arrived a few minutes late. She had a technician with her. They put a catheter in his hind leg as we waited in a bedroom. Then he was put on the sofa where Mark held him and I stroked his head. After a few minutes it was time. The vet injected one syringe and he passed on, looking up at me.
Our family was broken apart. My best friend is gone. There is a huge hole in my heart now...
June 11, 2003
New Yorker ISSUES
This is so perfectly now. Amazingly it was also physically in my mailbox today too. Surprising because here in Canada the postal system is run like a decrepit and corrupt casino. Some weeks I receive three issues over a couple of days, even though the magazine is published weekly. Welcome to the Soviet Mail Union!
Shut up!
Sorry. I can't say anything more that is critical about Canada. It isn't allowed. They will come in the night. They will remove my postal code. Ink jets will be recalled. My three children will be forced to be park attendents in British Columbia serving organic popcorn with an organic Thai tamarind glaze.
Cookie Monster
In an attempt to keep myself occupied over the last few days I have resorted to baking chocolate chip cookies. And, to make it more timely, I have used a Martha Stewart recipe, “Alexi’s Brown Sugar Chocolate Chip Cookies” available here. I felt the urge to add some nuts… toasted walnuts and slivered almonds, because I can’t leave a recipe alone. Just like her I presume.
This activity prompted me to find my old recipe book from when I was a pastry chef, thinking I would post a few of them here to share. Sure… everybody wants to start by separating 30 eggs. You see, the scale is wrong.---after all I was cooking for a restaurant.
This one I loved both making and eating. It was served with the cheese course as it contains both toasted walnuts and shallots. It helps here if you know how to bake bread in quantity here...
Walnut Bread – Makes six substantial baguettes
1. Sauté lightly 3 cups of chopped shallots and 4 cups of chopped walnuts in 3 tablespoons of walnut oil. Be careful about the quality of ingredients here, as both walnuts and walnut oil go rancid very quickly at room temperature.
2. Combine 4 tablespoons lukewarm water with 4 tablespoons of dry yeast and proof for 15 minutes until the yeast mixture is foamy and then mix with three cups of lukewarm water.
3. Combine 1½ cup best quality maple syrup with 3 cups of lukewarm water.
4. Mix together 12 cups of whole-wheat flour with 6 cups of white unbleached bread flour and 5 tablespoons of sea salt. Combine with yeast and maple syrup mixture and knead until dough starts to form. This can be done on a work surface or a large mixer. Knead in shallot and walnuts making sure they are room temperature. Continue to knead until a resilient and soft dough is created and let rise until doubled in bulk---approximately 2 hours.
5. Punch down risen dough and let rise again until almost doubled, about 45 minutes.
6. Turn out the dough onto a floured work space and cut into six equal pieces for baguettes, or less for larger round loaves. Shape and let rise, covered lightly until almost doubled in bulk, about 30 minutes.
7. Glaze with beaten egg for a shiny brown crust. Bake in a 400F oven until deep brown. This will take at from 20 minutes until an hour depending on the size of the loaf. Lower the oven if necessary to bake the loaves all the way through and cool on a rack.
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I remember catering a party where we sliced this bread and covered it with a slice of smoked pheasant breast and a dollop of three-onion jam. We couldn’t make them fast enough. Funny how recipes bring back such detailed memories… enough to put a smile on my face even now.
June 10, 2003
Intensive Care
I married Florence Nightingale. Alright, so I am exaggerating a little, but not completely. Oh... and I am not legally "married" either... straight people have managed to fuck up that institution so much, this particular gay man thinks they can keep it. That is another conversation however...
We brought Willi home from the vet hospital on Sunday. He was weak and not able to sit up. He was stained from sitting in his own waste. I sat stonefaced with anger and apprehension at the facility. Dogs whined from behind unseen walls. We decided to take him home.
Cut to this morning. He was walking around the bed. He is spotlessly clean. He is keeping down food which Mark feeds through a syringe. Entries are being made in a care journal... how much food, water, electrolytes, and when it was administered. Sleeping is done in shifts. We are honoring him like we should.
Of course this means our lives are on complete hold. Maybe that's why we have lives though... to put them on hold when it really matters.
June 8, 2003
Farewell Symphony
Waves of syrupy sadness are drowning me. We have to put the dog down. He was diagnosed with lymphoma yesterday, having wasted away under the steroid treatment for inflamed bowel disease since March. Everything in the house reminds me of him. Since moving here in 1999 he spent endless hours just with me, often sleeping against my neck in the early morning.
The anticipation of loss was palpable, but now it is here staring us in the face. Losing Sam (the Springer Spaniel above) also to cancer very soon after I moved was heartbreaking of course. But now, having to say good bye to his buddy Willi, when we had become such a tight family since then, is so very hard.
I didn't want to post another picture of him. Especially since I will probably see him for the last time very soon. But then I changed my mind. This one from February seemed to make sense.
Please help me figure out how to stop crying.
June 7, 2003
Conversations
"We're making things faster, easier, better. But nothing that brings us any closer. I can send you a picture of me over the Internet or even to your phone now, but do I call you up when I'm in town so we can see each other? Less and less, I'm afraid."
From an email interview of Neil LaBute by Jon Robin Baitz which can be found in it's entirety here. Thanks to the always readable Choire for the link.
June 5, 2003
Pool of Shit
The universe is saying loudly... why are you here?
Your dog is dying. You chose to quit your job. You can't fold the laundry right.